I've decided that life isn't as bad as I might have made it out to be.
Of course, I am still in Arkansas and not Utah...
but I'm going to make the most of it.
I recently got a job working at Discovery Island Learning Center.
I have a class of 12...3 year olds.
It is one of the most rewarding things I've encountered.
I love them.
Also, I've been reading a lot lately.
I was never one to read.
Ever.
At all.
I started reading to try and help myself sleep at night.
(since usually reading makes me tired)
Well, it has only helped me to nearly finish 1 book a night.
So far I have read:
Go Ask Alice
For One More Day
Dear Diary
I am currently working on:
Wuthering Heights
Driving With Dead People
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Now I spend most days at Barnes & Noble.
To top off everything I am going to Hawaii.
I'll keep everyone posted on that adventure as it comes.
Life is not at all what you may expect it to be,
but stay faithful.
It will all work out probably better than you first imagined.
life and all it entails
I want happiness.
I want to graduate.
I want to see the world.
I want someone to love me for me.
I want a family.
I want my momma to be happy.
I want my sister to not make the mistakes I have.
I want to make a difference.
That's what I want.
That's what I'll have.
I want to graduate.
I want to see the world.
I want someone to love me for me.
I want a family.
I want my momma to be happy.
I want my sister to not make the mistakes I have.
I want to make a difference.
That's what I want.
That's what I'll have.
supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
i arrived in arkansas a little over 2 months ago,
and i'm not sure where exactly the time went.
i have yet to accomplish anything i planned on.
this. is. going. to. change.
i know what i want to do and where i want to be.
i know what i have to do to get there.
my happiness is my truest means of motivation.
i will not end up like you and yours.
and so on and so forth.
my life has a purpose,
and i'm beginning to uncover what it is.
i can't rely on anyone else.
i have myself and i can do this.
and i'm not sure where exactly the time went.
i have yet to accomplish anything i planned on.
this. is. going. to. change.
i know what i want to do and where i want to be.
i know what i have to do to get there.
my happiness is my truest means of motivation.
i will not end up like you and yours.
and so on and so forth.
my life has a purpose,
and i'm beginning to uncover what it is.
i can't rely on anyone else.
i have myself and i can do this.
to the one i miss
there is a girl that makes me laugh, cry, and want to kill someone.
she needs to come back to arkansas.
her boyfriends miss her.
she is a can crushing pro.
she also loves tractors, even if she doesn't remember.
the dance she does will make you ever so happy.
she can sing along to country songs all night.
she loves carrie and randy.
she will rock your world.
her name is alex.
she needs to come back to arkansas.
her boyfriends miss her.
she is a can crushing pro.
she also loves tractors, even if she doesn't remember.
the dance she does will make you ever so happy.
she can sing along to country songs all night.
she loves carrie and randy.
she will rock your world.
her name is alex.
cracks in the foundation
i knew i needed to come back to arkansas
even though i didn't entirely know why
since i've been here it's been rough
and i've wanted to go back to utah
i know that i still have to figure myself out
this is where so many things started
i can't run to a little bubble in utah for this one
i have to stay here and face my fear
if it doesn't kill me first
even though i didn't entirely know why
since i've been here it's been rough
and i've wanted to go back to utah
i know that i still have to figure myself out
this is where so many things started
i can't run to a little bubble in utah for this one
i have to stay here and face my fear
if it doesn't kill me first
8 months later
it's been a bumpy road,
but i'm home.
a couple slips and falls,
but i feel good about this.
but i'm home.
a couple slips and falls,
but i feel good about this.
absent
the images have faded
but i remember one thing
lincoln logs
i remember loving them
and leaving them
all the while not knowing
lincoln logs and you
would i never see again
time does pass
wounds eventually heal
though questions still remain
why?
that would be the greatest one
i can smile knowing that i had her
she had strength which i'll never grasp
a heart which seemed unbreakable
seemed
you leaving led me to where i am now
confounded at times, but mostly okay
luckily you left early enough
i only miss the lincoln logs
but i remember one thing
lincoln logs
i remember loving them
and leaving them
all the while not knowing
lincoln logs and you
would i never see again
time does pass
wounds eventually heal
though questions still remain
why?
that would be the greatest one
i can smile knowing that i had her
she had strength which i'll never grasp
a heart which seemed unbreakable
seemed
you leaving led me to where i am now
confounded at times, but mostly okay
luckily you left early enough
i only miss the lincoln logs
a new page awaits
one week from right now i will be back in fayetteville.
i'm not too sure what to expect.
there are certain people i'm looking forward to seeing...
and certain people who are not looking forward to seeing me.
ha.
oh heavens, let's hope all goes well.
i'm needing a good arkansas thunderstorm, and possibly some sunshine?
the days are passing ever so slowly as i await my departure.
i'm ready to say goodbye to this place, and figure out what my life is about.
school is definitely in the plans, maybe some study abroad.
i doubt love or anything of that nature is down the road anytime soon.
i will be focusing on finding myself.
exploring the creative side a bit more.
being completely true to myself and those around me.
knowing that it is never too late to start over...
i'm not too sure what to expect.
there are certain people i'm looking forward to seeing...
and certain people who are not looking forward to seeing me.
ha.
oh heavens, let's hope all goes well.
i'm needing a good arkansas thunderstorm, and possibly some sunshine?
the days are passing ever so slowly as i await my departure.
i'm ready to say goodbye to this place, and figure out what my life is about.
school is definitely in the plans, maybe some study abroad.
i doubt love or anything of that nature is down the road anytime soon.
i will be focusing on finding myself.
exploring the creative side a bit more.
being completely true to myself and those around me.
knowing that it is never too late to start over...
it was a clear black night, a clear white moon
alex the great (sunday 6:09 PM): are you ready for an all-nighter? an all-nighter consisting of everything we do. cake, coldstone, afternoon delight, movies, driving, fun? cause it's tonight. me, you, and brad before you two leave me.
so far (monday 4:31 AM)...
fight for shotgun
bracelets
emergency potty breaks
slurpees
charlie bartlett
cakies
never-ending playlist
panic-anic attack
onesies
snow
deep convos
fear and loathing
imdb
bag feet
baby in frying pan
bad-a cops
maverick...twice
easter bunny doesn't exist
mcdonald's
shed extravaganza
the lost key
and now (9:51 AM)...
cheerios
definitely, maybe
winding down (2:54 PM)...
lunch with Jesus
slamming head in car door. countless times. just brad.
EFY music
the arctic tundra.
still awake
lack of hunger
shut up and drive
so far (monday 4:31 AM)...
fight for shotgun
bracelets
emergency potty breaks
slurpees
charlie bartlett
cakies
never-ending playlist
panic-anic attack
onesies
snow
deep convos
fear and loathing
imdb
bag feet
baby in frying pan
bad-a cops
maverick...twice
easter bunny doesn't exist
mcdonald's
shed extravaganza
the lost key
and now (9:51 AM)...
cheerios
definitely, maybe
winding down (2:54 PM)...
lunch with Jesus
slamming head in car door. countless times. just brad.
EFY music
the arctic tundra.
still awake
lack of hunger
shut up and drive
For your listening pleasure, once again.
I have a friend who will put a smile on your face.
Her music will touch your soul.
Katie Brandeburg will complete your day.
Click here to listen. Enjoy.
Her music will touch your soul.
Katie Brandeburg will complete your day.
Click here to listen. Enjoy.
this summer...
spring river. sunday lunch at grandma's. my sister. tropical sno. starry southern nights. concerts. flip flops. arkansas rainstorms. the lake. time with jack. barbecue. family. getting back to it all.
Two weeks left...
I will be packing up the remnants of my life in Utah. Coming here last August, I didn't know what to expect. I was searching for meaning, clarity, and hope. I have found all three of these, and feel as though it is time to go back to where I started not that long ago. Being here, I have been blessed and inspired by so many. I have put my heart out there, and have learned the reasons behind certain things not working out. It has made me stronger. It has helped me understand the meaning of unanswered prayers. I am embarking on this journey with high hopes, and knowing I'm not alone. Ever. Leaving is very bittersweet. I am ready to get back, but the thought of leaving certain people behind, well, overwhelms me. These people have helped me realize how strong I am. The things I have endured through are greater than anything I ever thought possible. But I did it. I will never be able to fully explain to them the great impact which they have made on my life. I am scared, but I know I can conquer this fear. It is another chapter in my life that I will grow and learn from.
It will be great, and I am ready.
a breath of fresh air
this past weekend ashton and i had the opportunity to road trip down to st. george with one of my new favorite people, mark. we went for our other friend marc's farewell talk, but didn't expect the plethora of fun we encountered.
it started with me leaving my phone in provo. on purpose. i needed to get away.
5 hours and 3 flying j's later, we arrived in st. george...at 5:00 a.m. saturday morning.
i woke up 2 hours later to crying babies and what not.
2 hours after that the rest of the group woke up as well.
we went with marc's family to breakfast and then...
we prepared to drive towards las vegas to the "ranch". i'll admit, i was quite nervous. i didn't know what to expect at this so-called ranch.
when we got there i immediately envisioned a horror movie.
desert. miles from civilization. one mexican.
i was fearing for my life...for a moment.
ashton and i proceeded to take a cruise on the paddle boat, which was broken. thank goodness for the wind, or we would've been stuck in the middle of lindsey lake. the water was slightly colder than the arctic tundra, or i may have jumped in.
after a good while on the paddle boat ashton, mark, marc, and myself took a drive over to see the animals.
horses. donkeys. mini horses. llamas. cows.
tina and bobby, the llamas, would not leave us alone. bobby kept following us everywhere, and i was just waiting for him to spit on us. tina kept staring at us out of the corner of her eye...plotting her next move.
that kept us entertained for at least 47 minutes before we headed back to the lake. at that point we were exhausted from only 2ish hours of sleep. mark, ashton, and i ended up in the van. asleep.
before i knew it we were heading back to st. george.
that night we (the main 4 and 3 others we met) went to the "glowstick cave". this was probably the most fun out of the trip. we had to climb down jagged rocks into this cave until it opened up into an open area. we then busted open 35 glowsticks and sprayed them everywhere, including all over ourselves. then, in the dark with only glowstick goo camouflaging us, we played hide and seek. i suggest everyone does this at some point.
after a couple hours we headed back home. hit up the hot tub. jumped in the freezing pool. slept.
sunday morning we woke up at noon after sleeping in the most comfortable bed.
we went to marc's talk, then we all came back to his house where his parents had cooked amazing food.
barbecue. ribs. brisket. potato salad. baked beans. cornbread. heaven.
once our food digested a bit we all went to the temple. took great pictures. napped in the grass. went to the visitors' center. it was wonderful, so peaceful. so warm.
not long after we began our trek back to provo. on the way home ashton and i had a great talk with mark, who has inspired me more than he'll ever know. i love pure, honest conversations.
sorry for the novel, even though it could've been longer. this trip was very much needed.
thanks for reading.
it started with me leaving my phone in provo. on purpose. i needed to get away.
5 hours and 3 flying j's later, we arrived in st. george...at 5:00 a.m. saturday morning.
i woke up 2 hours later to crying babies and what not.
2 hours after that the rest of the group woke up as well.
we went with marc's family to breakfast and then...
we prepared to drive towards las vegas to the "ranch". i'll admit, i was quite nervous. i didn't know what to expect at this so-called ranch.
when we got there i immediately envisioned a horror movie.
desert. miles from civilization. one mexican.
i was fearing for my life...for a moment.
ashton and i proceeded to take a cruise on the paddle boat, which was broken. thank goodness for the wind, or we would've been stuck in the middle of lindsey lake. the water was slightly colder than the arctic tundra, or i may have jumped in.
after a good while on the paddle boat ashton, mark, marc, and myself took a drive over to see the animals.
horses. donkeys. mini horses. llamas. cows.
tina and bobby, the llamas, would not leave us alone. bobby kept following us everywhere, and i was just waiting for him to spit on us. tina kept staring at us out of the corner of her eye...plotting her next move.
that kept us entertained for at least 47 minutes before we headed back to the lake. at that point we were exhausted from only 2ish hours of sleep. mark, ashton, and i ended up in the van. asleep.
before i knew it we were heading back to st. george.
that night we (the main 4 and 3 others we met) went to the "glowstick cave". this was probably the most fun out of the trip. we had to climb down jagged rocks into this cave until it opened up into an open area. we then busted open 35 glowsticks and sprayed them everywhere, including all over ourselves. then, in the dark with only glowstick goo camouflaging us, we played hide and seek. i suggest everyone does this at some point.
after a couple hours we headed back home. hit up the hot tub. jumped in the freezing pool. slept.
sunday morning we woke up at noon after sleeping in the most comfortable bed.
we went to marc's talk, then we all came back to his house where his parents had cooked amazing food.
barbecue. ribs. brisket. potato salad. baked beans. cornbread. heaven.
once our food digested a bit we all went to the temple. took great pictures. napped in the grass. went to the visitors' center. it was wonderful, so peaceful. so warm.
not long after we began our trek back to provo. on the way home ashton and i had a great talk with mark, who has inspired me more than he'll ever know. i love pure, honest conversations.
sorry for the novel, even though it could've been longer. this trip was very much needed.
thanks for reading.
days gone by and what not
So this picture basically sums up every day of the last month I've went without posting a blog.
I am without a computer these days due to an irreversible hard drive crash. I am dealing with it, though. This is the reason I rarely update this here blog, but I'll try to do better.
I went to the Draper Temple again. It was just as amazing, if not more.
I've thought a lot about the last 2 years of my life. I have made countless mistakes...and in doing so I've lost the friendship of someone I hold dear to my heart. I hope that I'm beginning to do away with that part of my life, and focus more on being a positive influence and helping people. Maybe one day things will be okay again...but until then I wish that person the most happiness.
That was just on my mind tonight...nothing else
obligatory conversations
do you ever feel like you have to talk to people?
like maybe if you didn't people would think badly of you?
i've came across this dilemma lately.
there are certain people i just haven't wanted to talk to.
ones i just haven't missed, though i certainly should.
does this make me a bad person?
most likely.
i just don't have the desire.
maybe it's due to latent anger which i haven't uncovered.
i honestly have no clue why.
all i know is that for now i am content with this,
though i'm sure i'll have to deal with it soon enough.
like maybe if you didn't people would think badly of you?
i've came across this dilemma lately.
there are certain people i just haven't wanted to talk to.
ones i just haven't missed, though i certainly should.
does this make me a bad person?
most likely.
i just don't have the desire.
maybe it's due to latent anger which i haven't uncovered.
i honestly have no clue why.
all i know is that for now i am content with this,
though i'm sure i'll have to deal with it soon enough.
what a great mlk day...which had nothing to do with mlk
for those who don't know, every year in january the sundance film festival is held in park city, utah. for 10 days tons of indie films are premiered and lots of great music is heard by all. last night ashton and i went, and had an amazing time. we were going to see a film premiere, but ever so greatly sweet talked our way into a couple concerts instead. john rzeznik, of the goo goo dolls, performed along with damien rice, who i love. it was incredible! also, we ran into nora zehetner, jill hennessy, christopher mcdonald, wynona judd (yeah, i know), and kevin bacon. all in all it was a dang good night.
john rzeznik of the goo goo dolls
damien rice
damien rice
park city sundance heaven
ashton and myself
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