on the mend

As I sit in this familiar, safe place I can't help but wonder how I got to this point in life. There are days when I couldn't be more happy and thankful, then there are days like recently when I've felt like a part of me is missing. Like somewhere along the journey I dropped an important piece of myself. I keep searching...searching my mind, books, people and nature. Still I can't find it. I don't even know what I'm looking for. My heart aches for adventure and yet I feel stuck, unable to move forward in any direction. I'm so unsure of what I want or where I want to be that I self-sabotage. I take opportunities away from myself before I even realize it. Deep down I have a grasp on who I can be, but she's buried away like someone fighting for their last breath. So deep in doubt and fear that I don't know when or how she'll surface. It's a daily fight to be my best self and not be defined by superficial things. I'm constantly trying to forge my way through the muck in my head and come out on the other side. I want to live a full life. I want to truly fall in love and know that even my most broken self is loved by someone else and that, together, we can make it. I'm working towards mending my mind and heart so I can take advantage of this life I lead and the beautiful world I'm able to be a part of. There's no use wasting what you've been given just because you may not feel worthy of it.

Keep going. 

speak up, speak out

I'm home this weekend spending time with family and being forever grateful for all they've done for me. You see, it happened five years ago on the 28th. Five years ago this weekend was the most dreadful time of my life. 

Never have I felt more unworthy or unclean. It wasn't just my rapist who made me feel this way. It was the nurses in the ER who wouldn't look me in the eye and the police officers who asked if I made it up so my family wouldn't find out I was "sleeping with a black guy". 

Are you serious? I couldn't believe it.

Rape happens far too often. Every 2 minutes another American is sexually assaulted. Still, somehow it has remained taboo, difficult to talk about. 

I hear people use the word "rape" in a joking way almost every single day. I've been told that I shouldn't expect people to understand because it hasn't happened to them or someone they know. 

I've never asked anyone to understand. 

What I'm asking is for people to educate themselves, for girls to be cautious and aware of their surroundings, and to not assume it won't happen to you. There is a difference between being paranoid and being prepared. 

I won't live my life in fear because of what happened. I will do my part in educating people and helping those who have unfortunately been through it as well. 

There has been recent news of a group of college males that have created a nail polish that changes colors when it comes into contact with any type of date rape drug. The problem with this is the focus remains on the victims. When will society stop focusing on what victims can do, or could have done, to prevent an assault? 

There is still not enough attention placed on educating males, and even females, on consent and teaching how not to rape and abuse others. The responsibility still lies in the hands of the victims. Were you too drunk? Were you dressed immodestly? Did you not fight them off? These questions and more are what rape victims have to answer. 

Even Mary Jane Mowat, a former judge, claimed rape statistics would not improve until women “stop getting so drunk”. This mindset is so absurd and is the main problem with society and the judicial system when it comes to rape cases. It is the same reason so many rapes go unreported. The shame you feel is indescribable and even more so when no one believes you. 

To the victims, please know it's not your fault. No matter what anyone says. To everyone else, I guarantee there is someone in your life you have came across, whether it be a close friend or someone you passed on the street, who has been raped or sexually assaulted in some way. Educate yourselves and do your part in helping reduce and maybe one day eliminate the violence. It's time to take a stand.

For more information and ways you can help, please go here and here.

seeking solitude

sol·i·tude

ˈsäləˌt(y)o͞od/

noun

1. the state or situation of being alone.

I remember when I didn't need to be in a relationship, or even want to be in one. It was a long time ago. For the past few years I have sought companionship. I found it in a relationship which led to a marriage that ended. Since then I've sought company in dating and friendships. Along the way I sort of lost myself. There are times when I'm trying so hard to not be alone that I forget who I am and how much I really do love sitting in my room, listening to music, writing in my journal and reading books. If you're constantly seeking out what you're doing next and with whom, it becomes monotonous. You can become burnt out on the mere thought of socializing with people. This is how I've felt recently. I've made so many new friends since I moved back and I'm so lucky to have them, but it can get exhausting. I'm still working through the muck of starting my life over. I hit the reset button. Endless possibilities are in front of me, but right now I'm just staring at a blank wall. I've neglected myself and me time in fear that I would miss out on something. What I've really been missing out on is finding myself again.

"Solitude is the most important practice of all. It grounds you in what is and helps you escape from what you think should be. It is both infuriating and freeing for just that reason: it leaves you alone to see who you are and what you do; more importantly, it leaves you alone to see the real essence of what it is to be a person, the good, the bad, the downright odd and ugly. It leaves you no choice but to contemplate the bigger picture, the underlying reasoning, the way things are."

This is my new focus.

sunrise yoga // repost

It’s two in the morning and you’re supposed to be up at five o’clock to make your way to Sunrise Yoga at an undisclosed location. That was the last thing I wanted to do.

Pushing the sleepiness aside, I got out of bed, grabbed a couple bananas and headed out.

The Yoga Deza girls and I met up with the Fayettechill gang and fellow yogis at the Smokehouse.

It was a crisp 35 degrees by the time we got to Chotkowski Gardens around 6:20AM.

That’ll wake you up.

Luckily, the sweetest lady had a spread of orange juice, coffee and tea to warm us up.

The wonderful Matthew Gibbons led us. He knew exactly how to bring light, love and fun to our chilly morning. So did the corgi pup that ran around licking everyone.

As my fingers and toes were nearing numbness I focused all my energy on that moment. Just being in the present. The birds were chirping and the sun was rising.

Beautiful people and nature surrounded me and it was amazing.

I am continually thankful for the amazing friendships I’ve been forging. All I see ahead is adventure and limitless possibilities. People who are driven to do more and make the most out of everything surround me on a daily basis. I can’t help but feed off of that energy.

I’m looking forward to this summer and amazing things in the works between Yoga Deza and Fayettechill.

If you’re not with us, then you’re missing out.

All photos courtesy of Trent Sugg

weekend of greatness

This weekend has been jam packed with amazing things. With Natalie leaving in the morning we've been doing as much as we can to cram in time together. It all started with sunrise yoga yesterday morning. 

It. Was. Freezing.

Yoga Deza does a lot of things with Fayettechill Clothing Company and Sunrise Yoga is one of them.

It was a brisk 35 degrees when we got the Chotkowski Gardens Friday morning around 6:30. The sweetest lady had a table set up with coffee, tea and orange juice for all of us. Much needed! After close to an hour of yoga we all headed back. The girls and I stopped at this little bakery and got some amazing muffins. I want one right now.

Then there was today. 

Natalie was asked to teach yoga at Mayfest In The Mountains. We headed up there this morning and it was just so stunning. Everything is green and I've missed it so much! The drive out was full of winding roads and sunshine, windows down and loud music. Perfect. 

We met up with the Fayettechill guys and figured out a spot for yoga. Slowly people started joining us, including the cutest little girl, Avery. It was hot and sunny, making yoga that much better. Afterwards, we chilled and I just kept taking pics of everything around. 

I'm so thankful for the beauty that surrounds me in Arkansas.

All Good

Starting my life over at 27 isn't something I ever expected to be doing. It is a daily effort to stay positive and motivated as I'm trying to figure out life on my own again. I have a friend who is very close to me and knows the struggles I've been dealing with. Today she made me a "meditation lovership bracelet", as she calls it, with beautiful gemstones I've been learning about. Carnelian is a stabilizing crystal, perfect for anchoring in the present, which I'm constantly trying to do (be present…be present…be present…). Agate promotes self-acceptance and confidence, encouraging the speaking of one's own truth. I’m always so hard on myself, which is something I’ve really been trying to change. The Dalmatian Stone can reawaken a sense of fun and humor because everyone needs to enjoy life and laugh, especially when all seems to be falling apart. Lastly, the Smoky Quartz is a mood elevator- it relieves fear, enhances security and safety, and brings on emotional calmness. I'm looking forward to remaining positive and seeking the best in each day as I continue this new journey.

...

The thing about new beginnings is that they can happen at any time. There doesn't have to be a life changing event to create one. Each day we are given the chance to become a newer, better version of ourselves. I take this for granted most of the time. I forget that I'm not defined by worldly things. I get caught up in my failures or what I haven't accomplished and forget that I still have so far to go. Isn't that crazy? When I take a step back I remember that I have so much to give. I have so much more to learn and so many more things to discover. This is what keeps me going. I meet new people each day and I have to do my part to leave a positive impact on their lives. That sounds cliche, but the thing with cliches is that they're true. We're all going through hard things all the time. My trials may not seem as important as yours, but who cares. Just remember that you don't have to have your life figured out right now. The only one holding you to any crazy expectations is yourself. 

If anyone else is, then screw them.

Keep Going

Life is constantly changing. You make new friends, new jobs, new loves and new memories. Then sometimes you lose it all. When I wrote this I had a lot on my mind, but I think of it and smile knowing that the best is yet to come. 

I pray that you will be as well as you can be

That you will find your purpose

And not hold back

I wish you the truest of love

And when you find it

That you grasp on for dear life

Cleaving to every smile and embrace

Remember that you are not the creator of your days

Only the gambler of their outcome

Do not forget who you are

This life has not been wasted

Each memory is a tally that makes up the whole

You are not missing what you seem to be

For all you need is inside

Keep searching with your whole heart

And beyond all beguiling

Know you're never second best

lately

It's almost been a year since I've written anything. I thought about starting with a clean slate and saying goodbye to everything on this blog, but at the end of the day I chose not to. Although my journey is a little different now, it has all led me to this point.

Some of you may be wondering what I've been up to the last few months, as you've noticed some changes in my life. I'm here to answer some of those questions, even though I don't feel it's really necessary. I want to be honest.

Our divorce was final the beginning of January. It wasn't an angry divorce, but it was two people who finally decided nothing else could be done. I've had many people give me advice along the way, but honestly every situation is different and not all problems are meant to be fixed. I have no hard feelings about anything and I look back on it as a positive and loving learning experience. That's really all that needs to be said.

As to what I'm doing now...

I decided to move back to Arkansas to re-group and get back on my feet. Those of you who are close to me know that I've been wanting to do this for a long time, especially after something like this.

I missed the South. I missed my family. I needed their support and to be closer.

I have been doing what I can to focus on what will be the best for myself. Far too often I found myself sacrificing my dreams, feelings, emotions, etc. in order to make others happy or not hurt them. I honestly just couldn't do it anymore. I'm making a daily effort to be my best self. I mess up. All the time. That's what life is about. You're supposed to fall down and get discouraged. If you don't, then you're not really experiencing the greatness life has to offer once you've came out on the other side.

So here I am, tired and a little broken, but working towards greater things. It's funny how the pieces start falling into place once you start letting go...

home

i spent this past wednesday through monday in arkansas. everytime i go back i realize more and more how much i miss the south. i'm trying to convince chris that we need to live there...soon. i've said it before but there's just nothing like it. i can't imagine raising a family anywhere else. i want kids with cute southern accents and rivers to play in that aren't 20 degrees. i want a big yard to chase my kids around. i'm hoping one day i'll get all this. being there just made me remember how little i like being in utah. i have amazing friends here but i'm really just ready to get back home. i doubt we'd live in arkansas but somewhere southern, anywhere southern...

sis

I have to take a moment and brag on my baby sister. I can't get over how grown up and beautiful she is. She's no longer the annoying 8 year old...just the annoying 17 year old. 

http://blog.clarksandersphotography.com/?p=1156

21 days

3 weeks and I'll be in Arkansas. I could cry thinking about it...It's been 4 years since I've been home for Christmas and there's truly nothin' like a holiday in the South...there's nothin' like any time in the South really. Just 3 more weeks...

home

I often think about how much I took my childhood for granted. Growing up in the South is a blessing not everyone gets to experience. Southern thunderstorms and summers at the river are what I long for. I hope I get the chance to move back one day, and to show my future family what it's like. I miss simpler times where I wasn't in such a rush. I remember when all I had to do was worry about which pool I was going to during the summer and how late I could stay out before mom got mad. I had some of the best friends a girl could ask for, and although we haven't kept in touch all that much, I still think about them almost every day. There's nothin' better than the South and it took me leaving to realize that.

these girls

I'm not sure I can explain in a few sentences how much this girl means to me. We've known each other since we were just babies, and here we are 25 years later. We became friends like most toddlers do ... one hitting the other and the other biting back. We've seen each other's darkest days and we've both made it out alive, healthier and happier. Many people reading this probably won't know all this girl has been through, but I do, and to see her now, this happy, puts the warmest feeling in my heart. This little girl has saved her and she doesn't even know it. One day I hope she comes to know and understand all the trials her momma has been through for her to be here. I look forward to watching this baby grow, even if it's from across the country. I also look forward to seeing her momma grow and become the person she probably thought she'd never be a year ago.

1149

some days it hits you all over again...and all you can do is breathe and push through. one day at a time.

Christmas in the South

Yesterday I bought tickets for Chris and I to go to Arkansas for Christmas. I don't think I've been this happy in awhile. There's nothin' like a southern holiday and I'm so glad Chris finally gets to experience one. This will probably be the craziest Christmas, though, considering we'll be flying from Salt Lake to Little Rock...for a week...then from Little Rock to Carmel, CA for about 5 days. Doesn't sound too relaxing, but it will be the best Christmas in about 3 years. I'm so excited to see all of my family! I saw some of them at the beginning and end of the summer, but it was a very short visit each time. Also, my best friend, Sasha, is having a baby in a few days and I can't wait to meet Harper when I go home! I am looking forward to all the goodness Arkansas has to offer, and to seeing old friends and family. Just a couple months!

water babies

I've recently been very interested in water birthing.
I had a friend do this a few weeks ago and she had the best experience.
 I like being as prepared as possible for anything, so I've been doing a lot of research.
A few weeks ago I watched a film called
The Business of Being Born
 which gave insight into different options available.
I'm in no way getting ready to have a baby, but I do like being informed.
I love the idea of a calm setting, without the chaos of a hospital room.
I'm not sure if I would do this at home, but there are birthing centers in and out of hospitals.
I remember being in the room when my sister was born. I was 9 and have been scarred ever since.
It wasn't until I watched the film that my nerves started calming in regards to
pregnancy, labor and delivery.

When talking to a friend (a nurse) about this I was telling her that
I don't think it could be worse than when I had kidney stones.
As I was watching the film I was laughing a little at how much the women in labor looked like me when I was passing my kidney stone.
She asked if they gave me drugs, and after naming off the cocktail of medicine they put through my iv she calmly said,
"it's a good thing you want to do natural birth because if those meds didn't work,
then an epidural isn't going to do anything on you."

We'll see what happens...someday.

 

 

scarves and s'mores

This is my most favorite time of year, not because of Halloween,

but because I really, really love scarves.

Sadly, this won't last too long before the snow comes in freezing us to death.

Until then, I'm excited about the beginning of yummy treats, campfires, s'mores and good friends.

I'm also excited because this season has marked the return of my favorite tv shows.

Dexter, Gossip Girl, The Vampire Diaries and Pretty Little Liars.

(Looking at that list it would seem as though Dexter is definitely out of place, but it also holds a dear place in my heart.)

I hope during this season you all are spending time with friends and family enjoying haunted houses, hay rides, corn mazes and candy.

That's all.

2-14-2013

I'd like to take this time to write about something I wholeheartedly support.

V-Day and One Billion Rising

As I talked about earlier, I have had my own experience with this issue.

This is a cause that anyone can relate to in some way.

Whether or not you or someone you know has been assaulted or abused in some way,

we all know young girls and women whom we would never want to go through anything like this.

The statistics alone are astounding.

• 1 in 3 women on this planet will be raped or beaten in their lifetime.
• One of every seven victims of sexual assault reported to law enforcement agencies were under age 6. (Bureau of Justice Statistics, National Incident-Based Reporting System, based on reports from law enforcement agencies of 12 States from 1991 through 1996)
• Studies in the US, Israel, Canada, Australia, and South Africa found that 40-70% of female murder victims were killed by husbands or boyfriends. (World Health Organization)
• In Ghana, 1 in 7 (15%) females have been circumcised (Coker-Appiah & Cusack, 1999; Ghana National Study on Violence 1998,survey of 2,069 women and girls supplemented by a five-year review of official records).

I'm rising on 2/14/2013.

I'm rising because I no longer consider myself a victim, but a survivor.

I'm rising for those who will never have the opportunity to share their own story.

I'm rising for those whom have felt the same physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain that I've felt.

I'm rising because it's time.

Are you?