on the mend

As I sit in this familiar, safe place I can't help but wonder how I got to this point in life. There are days when I couldn't be more happy and thankful, then there are days like recently when I've felt like a part of me is missing. Like somewhere along the journey I dropped an important piece of myself. I keep searching...searching my mind, books, people and nature. Still I can't find it. I don't even know what I'm looking for. My heart aches for adventure and yet I feel stuck, unable to move forward in any direction. I'm so unsure of what I want or where I want to be that I self-sabotage. I take opportunities away from myself before I even realize it. Deep down I have a grasp on who I can be, but she's buried away like someone fighting for their last breath. So deep in doubt and fear that I don't know when or how she'll surface. It's a daily fight to be my best self and not be defined by superficial things. I'm constantly trying to forge my way through the muck in my head and come out on the other side. I want to live a full life. I want to truly fall in love and know that even my most broken self is loved by someone else and that, together, we can make it. I'm working towards mending my mind and heart so I can take advantage of this life I lead and the beautiful world I'm able to be a part of. There's no use wasting what you've been given just because you may not feel worthy of it.

Keep going. 

speak up, speak out

I'm home this weekend spending time with family and being forever grateful for all they've done for me. You see, it happened five years ago on the 28th. Five years ago this weekend was the most dreadful time of my life. 

Never have I felt more unworthy or unclean. It wasn't just my rapist who made me feel this way. It was the nurses in the ER who wouldn't look me in the eye and the police officers who asked if I made it up so my family wouldn't find out I was "sleeping with a black guy". 

Are you serious? I couldn't believe it.

Rape happens far too often. Every 2 minutes another American is sexually assaulted. Still, somehow it has remained taboo, difficult to talk about. 

I hear people use the word "rape" in a joking way almost every single day. I've been told that I shouldn't expect people to understand because it hasn't happened to them or someone they know. 

I've never asked anyone to understand. 

What I'm asking is for people to educate themselves, for girls to be cautious and aware of their surroundings, and to not assume it won't happen to you. There is a difference between being paranoid and being prepared. 

I won't live my life in fear because of what happened. I will do my part in educating people and helping those who have unfortunately been through it as well. 

There has been recent news of a group of college males that have created a nail polish that changes colors when it comes into contact with any type of date rape drug. The problem with this is the focus remains on the victims. When will society stop focusing on what victims can do, or could have done, to prevent an assault? 

There is still not enough attention placed on educating males, and even females, on consent and teaching how not to rape and abuse others. The responsibility still lies in the hands of the victims. Were you too drunk? Were you dressed immodestly? Did you not fight them off? These questions and more are what rape victims have to answer. 

Even Mary Jane Mowat, a former judge, claimed rape statistics would not improve until women “stop getting so drunk”. This mindset is so absurd and is the main problem with society and the judicial system when it comes to rape cases. It is the same reason so many rapes go unreported. The shame you feel is indescribable and even more so when no one believes you. 

To the victims, please know it's not your fault. No matter what anyone says. To everyone else, I guarantee there is someone in your life you have came across, whether it be a close friend or someone you passed on the street, who has been raped or sexually assaulted in some way. Educate yourselves and do your part in helping reduce and maybe one day eliminate the violence. It's time to take a stand.

For more information and ways you can help, please go here and here.

seeking solitude

sol·i·tude

ˈsäləˌt(y)o͞od/

noun

1. the state or situation of being alone.

I remember when I didn't need to be in a relationship, or even want to be in one. It was a long time ago. For the past few years I have sought companionship. I found it in a relationship which led to a marriage that ended. Since then I've sought company in dating and friendships. Along the way I sort of lost myself. There are times when I'm trying so hard to not be alone that I forget who I am and how much I really do love sitting in my room, listening to music, writing in my journal and reading books. If you're constantly seeking out what you're doing next and with whom, it becomes monotonous. You can become burnt out on the mere thought of socializing with people. This is how I've felt recently. I've made so many new friends since I moved back and I'm so lucky to have them, but it can get exhausting. I'm still working through the muck of starting my life over. I hit the reset button. Endless possibilities are in front of me, but right now I'm just staring at a blank wall. I've neglected myself and me time in fear that I would miss out on something. What I've really been missing out on is finding myself again.

"Solitude is the most important practice of all. It grounds you in what is and helps you escape from what you think should be. It is both infuriating and freeing for just that reason: it leaves you alone to see who you are and what you do; more importantly, it leaves you alone to see the real essence of what it is to be a person, the good, the bad, the downright odd and ugly. It leaves you no choice but to contemplate the bigger picture, the underlying reasoning, the way things are."

This is my new focus.

sunrise yoga // repost

It’s two in the morning and you’re supposed to be up at five o’clock to make your way to Sunrise Yoga at an undisclosed location. That was the last thing I wanted to do.

Pushing the sleepiness aside, I got out of bed, grabbed a couple bananas and headed out.

The Yoga Deza girls and I met up with the Fayettechill gang and fellow yogis at the Smokehouse.

It was a crisp 35 degrees by the time we got to Chotkowski Gardens around 6:20AM.

That’ll wake you up.

Luckily, the sweetest lady had a spread of orange juice, coffee and tea to warm us up.

The wonderful Matthew Gibbons led us. He knew exactly how to bring light, love and fun to our chilly morning. So did the corgi pup that ran around licking everyone.

As my fingers and toes were nearing numbness I focused all my energy on that moment. Just being in the present. The birds were chirping and the sun was rising.

Beautiful people and nature surrounded me and it was amazing.

I am continually thankful for the amazing friendships I’ve been forging. All I see ahead is adventure and limitless possibilities. People who are driven to do more and make the most out of everything surround me on a daily basis. I can’t help but feed off of that energy.

I’m looking forward to this summer and amazing things in the works between Yoga Deza and Fayettechill.

If you’re not with us, then you’re missing out.

All photos courtesy of Trent Sugg

weekend of greatness

This weekend has been jam packed with amazing things. With Natalie leaving in the morning we've been doing as much as we can to cram in time together. It all started with sunrise yoga yesterday morning. 

It. Was. Freezing.

Yoga Deza does a lot of things with Fayettechill Clothing Company and Sunrise Yoga is one of them.

It was a brisk 35 degrees when we got the Chotkowski Gardens Friday morning around 6:30. The sweetest lady had a table set up with coffee, tea and orange juice for all of us. Much needed! After close to an hour of yoga we all headed back. The girls and I stopped at this little bakery and got some amazing muffins. I want one right now.

Then there was today. 

Natalie was asked to teach yoga at Mayfest In The Mountains. We headed up there this morning and it was just so stunning. Everything is green and I've missed it so much! The drive out was full of winding roads and sunshine, windows down and loud music. Perfect. 

We met up with the Fayettechill guys and figured out a spot for yoga. Slowly people started joining us, including the cutest little girl, Avery. It was hot and sunny, making yoga that much better. Afterwards, we chilled and I just kept taking pics of everything around. 

I'm so thankful for the beauty that surrounds me in Arkansas.

All Good

Starting my life over at 27 isn't something I ever expected to be doing. It is a daily effort to stay positive and motivated as I'm trying to figure out life on my own again. I have a friend who is very close to me and knows the struggles I've been dealing with. Today she made me a "meditation lovership bracelet", as she calls it, with beautiful gemstones I've been learning about. Carnelian is a stabilizing crystal, perfect for anchoring in the present, which I'm constantly trying to do (be present…be present…be present…). Agate promotes self-acceptance and confidence, encouraging the speaking of one's own truth. I’m always so hard on myself, which is something I’ve really been trying to change. The Dalmatian Stone can reawaken a sense of fun and humor because everyone needs to enjoy life and laugh, especially when all seems to be falling apart. Lastly, the Smoky Quartz is a mood elevator- it relieves fear, enhances security and safety, and brings on emotional calmness. I'm looking forward to remaining positive and seeking the best in each day as I continue this new journey.

...

The thing about new beginnings is that they can happen at any time. There doesn't have to be a life changing event to create one. Each day we are given the chance to become a newer, better version of ourselves. I take this for granted most of the time. I forget that I'm not defined by worldly things. I get caught up in my failures or what I haven't accomplished and forget that I still have so far to go. Isn't that crazy? When I take a step back I remember that I have so much to give. I have so much more to learn and so many more things to discover. This is what keeps me going. I meet new people each day and I have to do my part to leave a positive impact on their lives. That sounds cliche, but the thing with cliches is that they're true. We're all going through hard things all the time. My trials may not seem as important as yours, but who cares. Just remember that you don't have to have your life figured out right now. The only one holding you to any crazy expectations is yourself. 

If anyone else is, then screw them.